My toddler was throwing toys and screaming. She stomped around the house and slammed her door. It was so easy to get just as frustrated, to want to yell and storm around too. Until I realized my toddler needs me to comfort her, not push her away.
Gentle Parenting
It can be SO easy to just want to scream and react just as our toddlers do. Gentle parenting has been my saving grace as we navigate toddler years (if only I had learned sooner, but we are doing what we can!). Gentle parenting doesn’t mean giving in to the tantrum. It means getting down on their level and listening then acting.
I’m still figuring out this whole mom thing, so bear with me. I am no expert, but I also feel I have learned a lot as a mom over the past four years. When I introduced a second baby to the mix, I know it has been really hard for our toddler to adjust.
“Mommy is holding the baby right now, get off the table!”
“Stop yelling!”
“Mommy said to stop!”
Mommy feels like crap.
Mom guilt made me discover gentle parenting
It is a whole other level of mom guilt when you can’t give your children equal parts of you. Someone once told me that a new baby just needs you in different ways right now, which is absolutely true. However, as a developing toddler, she needs me in so many ways still, too. This was my wake-up call that I need to be there, and learn to manage my own emotions.
Recently my toddler has wanted me to hold her more, and at first, I was frustrated. Quickly that frustration faded when I remembered our days of me holding her are numbered. It broke my heart that I intended to turn her down when she needed me. I learned communication was going to be our saving grace. My toddler wasn’t whining to be mean, she needed physical touch. Once that mindset shift happens, you start to have a deeper understanding and clearer mind to handle “stressful” situations.
While the baby needs me for her basic survival needs, my toddler needs me too. She needs me to be her teacher, her playmate, her safe haven. When she has fits, it’s not with bad intentions. Children just need love and attention, no matter how they express it. Taking that moment to just hold her, rub her back, and tell her I am here has been so significant. With children, their parents are their safety net. They need us to protect them.
Raising God-fearing children is a huge feat to take on. You constantly worry if you are doing it right while being so wrapped up in just loving them while babyhood slowly slips through your fingers. While I may not be the perfect mom, I do know the love I have for my children is limitless. Even if it often requires me to take a step back and realize I need corrections too.
As a parent, you are almost learning with your children at the same time.
They mirror us and soak in how we act and react.
I am a very impatient person, so please don’t think I found some magic cure and never yell. But, instead, I have learned to take a deep breath, pause, then act.
Why is she upset? What can we do to turn it around? What do I need to say or do to resolve the issue?
How we work through tantrums
Having a “come to your senses” moment will help you be in control of the situation. I read somewhere that a heightened adult cannot calm down a heightened child. By yelling back, it is only teaching them that yelling is how you communicate. Remember, they mirror how you handle situations.
Another trick is instead of telling them to “stop” or “don’t do that” tell them what you want them to do. For example, instead of “get off of the table”, say “feet on the ground”. Setting expectations versus restrictions can resolve conflict a lot more efficiently!
Calm downtime is okay. I refrain from the ‘time out’ term because I don’t feel it’s as effective as when I say she needs to sit to have some time to calm down. This means being away from the noise, toys, and just holding her so she can get back in control of her emotions and go forward from there.
Going into parenthood, I did very little research. Just being honest! So when I did research on the psychological effects time out has, I knew this wasn’t a good fit for our family. When she was acting out, she needed me more than ever and not to be pushed away! Having a child always being left to deal with their own emotions has shown to have more anxiety and aggression later in life.
But do you know what is okay, too? For you to have calm downtime too. If you feel you are still agitated, or not ready to handle the situation, give yourself some time to breathe and sort through that. Gentle parenting isn’t just for the kids to learn to rewire their brains for reactions, it’s for us too. Step away and give yourself that space. I think especially as moms we easily get touched out, so while their immediate want may be to have that hug, give yourself a moment to collect yourself and proceed.
Get on their level
Something I recently learned is to not talk down to her. She is a toddler now and so actively aware of life. I instead get down to her level, sometimes will hold her hands in mine, and explain what you want them to do and why what they did is not okay.
Looking her straight in the eyes and calmly talking through the situation has worked wonders. Gentle parenting is about respect, so give it and you will get it. Your job is to set boundaries, and an example, of how situations are to be handled.
3 things you can do today:
- Switch language from what they can’t do, to what you want them to do.
- Hug and talk to your toddler during their next episode of being upset.
- If you are feeling overwhelmed, take a moment to yourself before reacting.
You got this, mamas!
